Leaving

So I'm moving back to Ontario. Kat, Dray, I'm sorry but I won't be able to come and visit. My plane leaves on the 28th and I need the next 10 days to get all my stuff packed up and moved into storage.

This isn't just about Justin, but he was the kicker that sent me over the edge. Things in my life have been hectic to the point that I have chest pains (caused by stress) on an almost daily basis now. I need to go home to help take care of my family and get my own life in order. This will probably mean getting a driver's license and possibly a car. Depends on how things go. Right now, I'm just worried that the house I'll be going back to won't be the same one that I left a month ago. My dad has til the 20th to tell the bank whether or not he can keep it. The places willing to hire him won't do so til the 26th.

Just another example of why life is nothing more than a continual parade of abuse on the soul. There is no such thing as everlasting love in today's throw-away society. You use something for as long as it amuses you and then you get rid of it. No matter the damage to that person or thing. What I find terribly amusing is that my use always seems to wear out at the worst possible times. Once before I've reached that point where one more little thing will push me over the edge of a break down. Once again, there's been someone there to kick me over.

What I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will since he's too afraid to confront me, is how he could have been so heartless. How he could have just dropped me like that and not explained why. He's completely different from the person I met 4 years ago. He's cold, tempermental, abusive and hateful. He's too wrapped up in his own problems to care about anyone else, so as soon as something isn't going his way, he gets rid of the source. Selfish, childish, little coward. He's become everything he hated 4 years ago.

There were two promises he made to me when we first started going out. I believed him and trusted him without a doubt. He promised that he would never hit me, which he hasn't. Though there are times I wonder how much control it took him to keep it from happening. He also promised that he would never cheat on me. This, above all else, I believed. I knew he didn't want to become like his father so I never doubted that he would keep his promise. Yet here I am, completely betrayed by the one person I thought I could depend upon most in that situation.

I've sent him e-mails, I've called, I've talked to his parents and his grandparents, I confronted his best friend, still he won't talk to me. He knows exactly what he did but he won't face a confrontation because he's too much of a coward. Better to run away and forget then face the pain. I wonder how many people he's going to hurt before it all comes back to him. I hope it's soon. He doesn't deserve happiness after what he's done to the people that loved him.

I hate him. I went from loving him to hating him in a day. I have never felt this way towards anyone. Nothing is ever going to change the way I feel about him now. I loathe him.